A Minute for Parents

Summary

Now What? Your Child is Exposed

Article

By Jo Ann Hibbert Hamilton

When two fifth graders showed Internet Porn to nine friends in an elementary school recently, the boys were prohibited from school for a few days. What about the nine youth that they showed it to? Two reported to the principal. Did the other seven parents find out? I don’t know. Again, experts say virtually all of our children have been exposed. So how do we handle it? That was a common question asked me when I was out giving 109 talks a year. Here are some ideas:

Don’t get angry! I know that if you discover your child or youth is on the computer looking at pornography, the natural reaction is to be upset. Many parents tell me that they just exploded. My experience is that children and youth do not listen to angry parents and if this is your reaction, they are less likely to open up and share with you how they got involved and where they are, so then you are less able to really help them.

You might calmly ask your child/teen when he or she saw their first “bad picture.” (This is an excellent idea for everyone to use.)

Don’t use the term “pornography” or they will automatically say they have never seen any. To many children and teens pornography is something terrible and they won’t feel that what they have seen is really that bad, so you won’t get an accurate answer. Porn to a 14 year old with 20 times the testosterone as an adult male is the lingerie section of a J.C. Penney Catalog. To a teen who has seen more, it is much more.

This is no time to scold or lecture. Listen and learn and then get help from someone who works with youth and understands the pornography problem. Most of you will be surprised at the exposure your children/teens have already had.

Reassure your child that this is a problem he can get on top of. Users of pornography feel shame and guilt. Putting more guilt on them doesn’t help. An addicted teen will probably need help from all three of the following: (1) an ecclesiastical leader (2) a counselor who has experience with sexual addiction (3) a support person or group. All counselors do not have experience with this problem. Also look for a counselor with youth rapport. Let your teen know that if one counselor doesn’t help, another one will. If the youth has struggled very long with this, he will think there is no way out.

Children need to know that if the exposure to the Internet was accidental, that it was not their fault. Dr. Victor Cline suggests that if the child has trouble sleeping or has nightmares, he should be encouraged to talk about it. Perhaps he will need therapy. It is a fine line. Too much talk can reinforce and bring back the negative impact in the child’s mind. Be aware of potential problems later in his early teens.

We need to limit the exposure our children have to titillating sexual images. Here are places where inappropriate images are seen: grocery story check out lanes, book stores, posters, advertisements, malls, the playground, bad jokes, catalogs that include lingerie and intimate apparel, computer games, magazines, comic books, television, commercials, videos, video games, sexual descriptions in books available in every library, etc.

Does it seem impossible? The key is to educate the child as discussed last week, keep our home clear of anything inappropriate, turn off the television and carefully set a family standard for videos, video games, etc. as well as check the books your children and teens read. Best wishes. I believe you can still rear wonderful youth, even in today’s world.

See www.strengthenthefamily.net.