A Minute for Parents

Summary

Wh Children "Get Away With It"

Article

By JoAnn Hibbert Hamilton

“Why do your kids do what they do (i.e. bad behaviors). . . and continue to do it?” Dr. Kevin Leman tells us, “Your response has a lot to do with it” (Dr. Kevin Leman, Have a New Kid by Friday, Revell, Grand Rapids, Michigan, p. 23).

He insists that the parent is the key to changing the attitude of the child. Let me share one of his examples: He uses four-year-old Matthew, who was in a bad mood when his mom picked him up from preschool. All he wanted to do was argue with her. He concluded his frustration by saying, “I hate you.”

Now Dr. Leman points out that the parent had a choice. She could (1) Let the kid have it with a tongue-lashing of her own; (2) Ignore the kid and pretend he didn’t exist; (3) or try something new and revolutionary that would nip this kind of behavior in the bud.

Of course the tongue lashing would have left both of them out of sorts. Ignoring the child would not change the behavior but might work for awhile until the child needed something, but the third option was the one she chose to try.

This Mother decided that her son was really getting to be somewhat of a brat. What she had learned from Dr. Leman is that by using consistency and follow-through in her own actions, and not backing down, she could help her son. Backing down was her hardest challenge. With his tears and repentant attitude, invariably she gave in, and as a result, nothing really changed.

So what did she do? She said nothing as she got to her house. She put away her shopping items. Matthew wandered into the kitchen. Usually he had an after school treat of chocolate chip cookies and milk.

“Mommy, where are my cookies and milk?” he asked, looking at the usual place on the kitchen counter.

“We’re not having cookies and milk today,” she said matter-of-factly. Then she turned her back on the child and walked into another room.

Matthew followed his mother to the next room. “Mommy, we always have cookies and milk after preschool.”

His mother looked him in the eye and said, “Mommy doesn’t feel like getting your cookies and milk today.” She turned and walked into another room.

As Dr. Leman states, “By now, Matthew was like an NFL quarterback on Sunday afternoon—scrambling to get to the goal. He followed his mom into the next room. ‘But, Mommy, this has never happened before.’ There was panic in his voice. He was starting to tremble. ‘I don’t understand.’” Children are creatures of habit. Matthew had always won before.

Now the teachable moment had arrived. His Mother knew that Matthew was ready to hear what she had to say. “We are not having milk and cookies today because Mommy doesn’t like the way you talked to me in the car.” Again, this mother turned to walk away. Before she could take three steps Matthew ran to her, grabbed her leg and cried profusely. “I’m sorry, Mommy! I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Dr. Leman points out that now comes the wonderful opportunity. The mother accepted the apology, gave him a hug and reminded him that she loved him. She also told him how she felt when he talked to her like that--and then she went about her work.

What did Matthew say? “Mommy, can I have my milk and cookies now?”

His mother knew she must not give in. She gathered her courage and said, “Honey, I told you no. We are not going to have milk and cookies today.”

Matthew got the point. He did not get by with bad behavior. His mother helped him learn.